As previously discussed here, my Mom has a very poor relationship with our family’s cats. That is perhaps an understatement. Saying she has a poor relationship is like saying North and South Korea have “mild differences of opinion.”
Even cats that aren’t our own seem to like making her life miserable. One day my family was camping on my Grandpa’s property outside of town. My mom vanished into the wilderness to….answer a call of nature, if you get my drift….when an abandoned and starving house cat came howling up the ridge and jumped on her lap. She ran screaming back to the camp, the cat following.
Some execrable excuse for a human being had left this cat out here to starve, and he very nearly did. We adopted him as an outside cat, and named him Felix.
Dressing cats up as people is a vile crime. Frankly, I think my sister deserved what was coming to her.
My sister, Lettie, (we call her Larry) quickly became his favorite. She would sit with him outside for HOURS playing with him. The cat was a bit neurotic, and tended to whine for food even when full. If the back door was left unguarded for even a moment, he would dash inside.
Larry took pity on him one afternoon and brought him inside when my parents were gone. This was a terrible mistake.
She was sitting in the living room with the cat on her lap while Kate was reading in the kitchen. Larry was singing “Soft Kitty” from the Big Bang Theory. Suddenly a loud “BOOM” rattled cutlery and dishes and Larry began screaming. Fearing some sort of horrific accident, Kate dashed into the living room.
It is a strange fact that when you pet a cat along the length of its body, it will raise it’s posterior into the air. This is because cats are evil creatures that enjoy mooning people. In this case, however, Felix had something else up his sleeve.
The cat was having some stomach trouble, and so the expulsion of gas turned into a massive artillery barrage. Sulfurous clouds seared the air, and Larry was bombarded by dozens of feline poop bombs. By the time Kate got to the living room, Felix was streaking to the cat food in the basement, while Larry was sitting in the center of the room, smeared with excrement and looking dazed.
Kate didn’t stop laughing for an hour. Larry was in the shower for most of the evening. Felix vanished a couple months later. We have no idea where he went. Sometimes I think Larry may have done him in.