I originally wrote this ENTIRELY SATIRICAL AND SARCASTIC article for the my high school paper in 2007, and it was perhaps the LEAST controversial article I ever wrote. (At one point I lampooned affirmative action and called the school administration fascists for not increasing the number of Australians at the school.) Even so, they made me tone this down, add a disclaimer, and had someone else write an anti-man rebuttal. It was a little dated and so I have updated it slightly, but it is almost a complete verbatim from my original article. Perhaps it was articles like this that doomed me to be single forever.
They infest the darkest, dankest places on earth, filled with doilies, flowers and Taylor Swift albums (which are banned in 28 states). When they need a man to leech off, they reach out and grasp us in a binding contract called “marriage,” sucking the lifeblood way from us for the rest of our miserable existence. Men! Rise up! Remove from yourself the creators of the flowered doilies, the terror of the gossip columns, the bane of ESPN…WOMEN.
I mean, if you don’t believe me that women are harmful to human life, let me take you on a history lesson. Who ate the apple first? Eve! It’s her fault we have to deal with terrorism, war, and Taylor Swift. Not Adam, Noah, or even Satan. Eve.
We men still could have at least alleviated the human misery caused by Eve. I mean, we invented Dr. Pepper and recreational hunting. But noooo, women had to cry like, well, girls. They thought they needed to vote and be allowed to get out of the kitchen once in a while. So let’s look at where that leads us. Women got emancipation in 1920. In 1929, the stock market crashed. World War II killed 50 million people. JFK was shot. Illegal drugs became rampant. Hippies took over our colleges. (Notice that even the male hippies looked like girls.) Star Trek was cancelled. Jimmy Carter became President. The Patriots won the Super Bowl. Calvin and Hobbes vanished from the comics pages forever. Hillary Clinton is running for President AGAIN. Taylor Swift’s weepy love ballads have invaded the radio.
Clearly, from this partial list, we can assume that women have caused it all through their mind-numbing clamor to leave their rightful place in the kitchen, cooking us dinner.
Women also demand an enormous cosmetics industry. According to an exhaustive study conducted by The Center for Numbers Randomly Typed into a Computer at High Speed, women spend over $9,282,391,829,019,291,982.23 annually on lipstick alone. Look at the starving people in Africa! Women would rather compliment each other on the 78 different kinds of rouge they have than feed the poor little children.
Jealous of mens’ better hand-eye coordination and clearly superior physical abilities, women never let us watch sports. “It’s time for Sleepless in Seattle,” they’ll shriek in a pitch high enough to shatter glass. Then they spray us with mace and dive over the couch for the TV remote. Or they let us watch right up until the final play, USU vs BYU with the score tied, and then demand we go shopping for another case of lipstick.
It’s all part of a conspiracy to take over the planet. For instance, when we do go shopping with them (18 hours a day without so much as a bathroom break), they always ask, “Does this dress make me look fat?” What are we supposed to say? “Yes, honey. You look like Justin Timberlake in drag.” They’d sexual harassment. If you answer “No, it looks fine,” then they bawl and say we lied. This way, we feel guilty and let them leave the house more often. Then they go to their secret societies (the Audubon Society, the Relief Society) and plot to eliminate us all.
So, men! Rise up! Send your woman (or women, if you live in Clarkston) back to her rightful place: frying up a steak and washing the dishes, before it’s too late.