Perils and Pitfalls

Welcome to the Wild Side

The ‘Roided Raspberry Rascal

My dad is normally okay.

Well, okay might be pushing it.

He is in the local Mormon stake presidency, where he often gives talks on lovely things like the love of God, forgiveness, and mercy. He always seems pretty mild-mannered and good natured in public.

It’s all a lie.

Continue reading “The ‘Roided Raspberry Rascal”


Dad’s Bladder Revenge

I…have a bit of a problem. As problems go it’s not a severe one, but it’s still rather bad. I have an all-consuming lust for Dr. Pepper.


This normally doesn’t cause any major issues…except when it does. Continue reading “Dad’s Bladder Revenge”

Sandpile 2: Apocalypse at Five Rivers Dam

Several weeks ago, we took a trip through a typical childhood fantasy of mine in my parents’ sandpile. It was one of two fantasies that took up the bulk of my time in the yard. This post is about the second, far wetter one. I give you:


Continue reading “Sandpile 2: Apocalypse at Five Rivers Dam”

The Great Thanksgiving Day Roll Massacre

My family has a soft spot for Boxers (the dogs, not the athletes). Currently, we have a Boxer named Duke.
He is, to quote one of my uncles angry at his exploits in the pipe field, “dumb as rocks.” Personally I think it’s just an act. Duke can be quite cunning when he wants to be. Continue reading “The Great Thanksgiving Day Roll Massacre”

The Scourge of the XX Chromosome

I originally wrote this ENTIRELY SATIRICAL AND SARCASTIC article for the my high school paper in 2007, and it was perhaps the LEAST controversial article I ever wrote. (At one point I lampooned affirmative action and called the school administration fascists for not increasing the number of Australians at the school.) Even so, they made me tone this down, add a disclaimer, and had someone else write an anti-man rebuttal. It was a little dated and so I have updated it slightly, but it is almost a complete verbatim from my original article. Perhaps it was articles like this that doomed me to be single forever.


Continue reading “The Scourge of the XX Chromosome”

Night of the Living Butter Knife

My family loves cookies.
My mom’s cookie recipes are legendary. Whenever I would take cookies on debate trips in high school most of the team would descend on the tupperware container like a pack of rabid wolves, cleaning me completely out before I could get one.
Every weekend my family makes cookies. A lot of time we only get to the dough before it’s gone.
This is usually only a danger to our waistlines and arteries. One bleak and terrible day, however, it was dangerous to life and limb. Continue reading “Night of the Living Butter Knife”

Jacob and the Baseball Bat

Once upon a time, in a land without parents or police, there lived a society of children. Most were in middle school, though a few were old enough to be in college or young  enough to be in kindergarten.
In a neighborhood on the outskirts of a city there lived a kid named Jacob.
Jacob lived in a dangerous neighborhood. There were a lot of bullies on his block, and they all HATED Jacob. He was a skinny little shrimp, and it wasn’t difficult to pick on him.
2 Continue reading “Jacob and the Baseball Bat”

My Sister Larry, Assault Victim

As previously discussed here, my Mom has a very poor relationship with our family’s cats. That is perhaps an understatement. Saying she has a poor relationship is like saying North and South Korea have “mild differences of opinion.”
Even cats that aren’t our own seem to like making her life miserable. One day my family was camping on my Grandpa’s property outside of town. My mom vanished into the wilderness to….answer a call of nature, if you get my drift….when an abandoned and starving house cat came howling up the ridge and jumped on her lap. She ran screaming back to the camp, the cat following.
Some execrable excuse for a human being had left this cat out here to starve, and he very nearly did. We adopted him as an outside cat, and named him Felix. Continue reading “My Sister Larry, Assault Victim”

The Day I Tried To Kill My Uncle

Moving pipe was always a stimulating experiment; visually, olfactorally, and even grammatically.
The most stimulating of these experiences occurred on Anne’s. Continue reading “The Day I Tried To Kill My Uncle”

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